Excerpted from Agony: A Proposal, a book that proposes to put in play at the center of American life a kind of game. A game called Agony.
The Lunatic, at any time, may excommunicate or grant retirement to any or all of The Country Doctors beneath her, save Little Fuadie, who may be excommunicated but is never provided with retirement. Every decision The Lunatic makes is subject, of course, to public scrutiny. While the public cannot reverse A Lunatic’s decision, A Lunatic who has been unfair is subject to impeachment.
Only A Lunatic can be impeached.
When a Country Doctor is removed from power, it is usually by way of retirement. Retirement means entering into Laughter and dwelling among Smut Peddlers, True Dreamers, and retired Country Doctors. Excommunication is a much rarer fate; to be excommunicated, A Country Doctor must have perpetrated a decidedly heinous act, an act blatantly disrespectful toward the Agony he or she has been entrusted with.
Excommunication of Country Doctors may be of one sort or another.
The first sort of excommunication applies only to The Glutton, and proceeds in this fashion: The Excommunicated Glutton is removed from The Frontier and taken to The Great City, which is a jail located just ten miles from The Frontier. In The Great City, the excommunicated Glutton will live out the rest of her days in a small cell. The cell is “nice.” She is well-fed and receives medical attention when she needs it, but, aside from food, shelter, and medical care, she has access to just one other resource: a lethal dose of morphine. This morphine-dose is known as A Bare Bodkin, and it can be requested at any point. A Bare Bodkin is all an Excommunicated Glutton needs, should she decide that her excommunication is not something she can endure.
An Excommunicated Glutton is allowed no books—nothing at all which might be read and nothing with which to write—no music, and no human company. An Excommunicated Glutton’s food is delivered and her medical care given by a dumbwaiter, and when Game
Officials are pressed to come into her presence, they are not allowed to speak with her. She is provided with just one diversion: her television plays, continually and in order, all the episodes of The Andy Griffith Show. When the last show finishes, the first follows—a continuous loop. The Excommunicated Glutton watches again and again as Opie grows up, Andy searches for a proper wife, and Aunt Bee dreams of absolute stasis. With her Bare Bodkin always firmly in place at the back of her mind, she is encouraged to understand the implications of a world without Agony.
The second sort of excommunication applies to The Glutton’s male colleagues: Yahweh, The Torso-Painter, and Little Fuadie. It differs from the first sort only in that there are unnecessary surgeries involved. The surgeries are yearly (one per year) and proceed in this way: after one year, a foot is removed; after another year, the other foot is removed; after another year, a leg is removed; after another year, the other leg is removed; after another year, an arm is removed; after another year, the other arm is removed. The Great City in this way urgently encourages Excommunicated Country Doctors who are not The Glutton to consider their Bare Bodkins. Excommunicated Country Doctors who achieve all of the surgeries are thenceforth known as Basket Cases. A Basket Case is hooked up to a feeding tube and a colostomy bag.
Most Excommunicated Country Doctors who are not The Glutton are fated to become Basket Cases.
The Great City is where shameful Country Doctors are confined to their horrific last days.
