Generally, I do not kick ass. ¶ It is not as though I could not kick ass if I so chose. I have just never had the opportunity. I have never been in a fight. I never had fight training. I have never stepped foot in a boxing ring or a dojo. I did once take an after-school Aikido class, but that does not really count. Aikido is the official martial art of lazy people. It’s not a very strenuous fighting style. It is more like organized shoving. I earned a green belt and the knowledge that certain moves performed easily on cooperative fellow students are not as equally successful on little brothers.
Thus my life has gone on with nary a kicked ass to my name.
Naturally, it follows that since I have kicked no ass in my life I have never enjoyed the privilege that comes with it: taking names.
Does that disappoint me? I do not know for certain. I suppose I understand the concept of kicking ass, but why take names as well? Must one always follow the other? Is it expected? Does someone have to take a name after kicking an ass? Is it considered rude not to? Is there some sort of ancient fighter’s tradition in the process of taking a name, or is it just to save oneself from embarrassment at cocktail parties?
“That guy seems so familiar. Where do I know him from…yoga class? Oh wait! I remember now. I kicked his ass! Two—no, three weeks ago. Now that was a thoroughly enjoyable ass-kicking. What a great time, just kicking away at the ass of...what was his name again? I can’t remember. Bill? Or Paul? I think there was an “L” in there somewhere. Oh man, did I kick his ass and not take his name? How tacky of me. Maybe I can slip out before he sees me, or—oh, crap. Here he comes.”
That would be awkward.
Could it be that the purpose of a post-asskick name-taking is actually more mundane? Could it be for tax purposes? If that’s the case, should other information be recorded—like how much gas was consumed or if any meals were eaten? Should you save receipts? Is
ass-kicking deductible?
And how does one take names after ass is kicked? Does it help to carry a little note-pad with you? Is contact information exchanged? Are you allowed to take other things after kicking ass? Like social security numbers or voter registration cards? Are there restrictions to the names that you can take? Can you take a confirmation name? Nickname? Maiden name? Mother’s maiden name?
Can you only take names after literally kicking ass? Would I be allowed to take names if I, say, punched someone in the kidney? Or head-butted them in the shoulder?
I guess what matters is not how much ass was kicked or how many names were taken but what you do with those names afterwards. I, for one, would write letters of apology.
Dear Sir or Madam:
It has come to my attention that I have recently kicked your ass. I apologize and regret any inconvenience I have caused you or your ass. Please accept the enclosed coupon for one free scoop at your nearest participating Baskin-Robbins.
Sincerely,
Amanda
En: one (1) coupon.
That’s what I would do, if I kicked ass.
